


power is but proof of life

by taerkooks



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Anyways, Canon Universe, Comfort, Gen, Reader is gender neutral, after the battle of trost, attack on titan - Freeform, but also soft, description of violence, descriptions of wounds and pain, i have synesthesia with pain why did i write this, levi is pretty canon, no romance just really a good bond, power play? not in the kinky way ig, tispy levi ooooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taerkooks/pseuds/taerkooks
Summary: pushing forward you grapple higher, and turn to watch the world from the sky. in slowed time you faintly see and hear a group of beings break through glass panes. the supply tower! relieved they made it there you almost feel like laughing. that feeling is cut short by an extremely violent force yanking you from the sky. something must have grabbed one of your cables while you celebrated too early. something being a titan.as the wind of the pull nearly knocks your breath out you spin, turning to face the beast. except instead of one of the smaller titans you were leading earlier, you come face to face with what has to be an over 15 meter class titan.now, you actually do laugh. 'fuck.'
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	power is but proof of life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [me! levis number one whore!](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=me%21+levis+number+one+whore%21).



> basically a levi think piece i ended up writing way too much for. i hate to love that stupid short mf. tags are important if you don't enjoy descriptions of violence and pain! not everyones cup of tea ya know. anyways absolute levi brainrot enjoy muah

**cap•tain**  
/kaptən/  
_noun_  
a powerful or influential person in a particular field.  
_"a captain of industry"_

 _a powerful or influential person in a particular field._ in truth your grumpy, short superior fits these words. he has the power, he has the command. a room full of mouths will be silenced upon just the creak of his scarred hands opening a door. single glances into the barren ice you know as his eyes send even the most stubborn of fighters to step down. many a time have you fallen victim to this stare, ravaging your own soul and leaving nothing left with not a single word. you could say his power comes in the shape of those eyes, or maybe his venomous tongue. no matter where it derives, it exists.

_but power does not a captain make._

those cold eyes do not hold the power as your friends believe. torture spit in the form of words hold vengeance, but not power. worn out leather soles do not hold power. they gain but nothing from each cadets tongue lapping them in shame. anyone alive is aware that this man, albeit short, can have a person face into the unforgiving concrete rendered defenseless in the blink of an eye. that would make him powerful, no? 

the merciless captains power is not his own. there are stitches of fallen comrades uniforms messily strung together. adorning his toned chest are the writings that he is alive. rusted and forever out of commission blades sit alone in a supply area, with no hope that a person will come revive them. no matter how long, how viciously he may scrub at his uniform, the reminders of incredulously dangerous enemies remain. these stains glare, matching the one he so often presents. but no matter the force, the ' _power_ ' his stare towards them burns, they do not cower. some poor cadet may break a glass on accident in the mess hall, and as silence falls the captains fist will tighten. the fingers that have been the one dropping glass. the palms that have been subjected to crawling through the shards if he wish to live. every fragment of his so called power was given to him unceremoniously. not a soul falters to even wonder if maybe, just maybe, this power is a burden. 

no soul has yet to falter besides _you_ , that is. in power there is glory. you are aware all too well that beautiful feeling is a double sided coin. 

the captain always appears to land on heads. late last night, you met him on tails. 

_"name and buisness."_ a bark from deep inside the mahogany doors. formality is not lost on you, for this is not the first or last time you have been standing alone at these doors. "cadet (last name) of regiment #104, commander hange sent me." there is never a response unless it is telling you to leave. therefore, after two heartbeats of silence you enter and salute. 

"at ease cadet." your captain is across the undecorated room, sat back in his desk chair. you do not miss the sight of dark liquid swirling the glass being set to his desk. "hange tell you why i summoned you?" "no sir." your hands fall to your sides. his expression is as always, unreadable. yet there is a color in his eyes that you do not recognize, something akin to a blaze of fire. for reasons you will not wish to understand, it washes serenity over you. 

that damned sigh everyone in the corp has come to fear falls on your ears before he rubs a single finger across his glass rim. "word travels fast here, (last name). i'm almost _annoyed_ with how many times i have had to hear about your bravery during the fight down in trost." if this were anyone else you may have laughed. but captain? annoyed that your fellow surviving cadets were proud of you? 

silence was the correct answer to his sharp tongue. you knew this, yet the flames from his eyes were all but begging you to speak back. 

"with all due respect captain, there would have been all but a mere handful of my group left had i not stepped up. i am not asking to be praised for doing the bare necessity of my job, but i do counter that you called me here just to berate my work." 

like a cats tail fallen victim to someones boot, levi sits up. perches his head on a free hand whilst picking the glass up once more. it swivels and threatens to spill over with each calculated spin. he is smarter than to make a single drop of mess, and you know that well. slowly, as a predator surveying it's preys movement, he sips. "i am glad to hear that you at least have the decency to know i didn't call you to praise your efforts. wish the rest of your dumbass friends held that ideal." now you are left in darkness. confusion as to why you are actually here, standing before the captain as he relaxes. it feels unnatural to watch, discomfort tickling your back. "then again, with no ounce of disrespect, may i ask why i've been summoned?" 

it is as the words escape your mouth you realize what his gaze has been fixed on for most of this encounter. there is a faint, but jarring remnant of your sacrifice upon your side. where once pristine white cotton meets blooming roses of crimson. thinking for a moment you want to scream, knowing better that you should have shed the tattered evidence of battle before appearing before the captain. you should have thrown it out already. but you didn't have a clean spare to wear today, and had put on your old one rushing out the dorm, eager to finally be training with the group again. sasha had stared at you funny, though you took her wide eyes as her usual hunger look. only this has dawned on you far too late and you sharply inhale, ready to excuse yourself to clean up as the man rises and approaches. the glass is now back on his desk, as he seems to walk to you in slow motion. you do not even realize how close he has put himself before you until something warm grazes your side. your mouth betrays you, the sound of alarm from your lips hitting the air. 

"how was it that you escaped, (last name)? the literal jaws of death, i mean." 

he is standing so close, too close, the way his breath just barely nicks your face each exhale. expecting to be scolded for being reckless (as per usual) the event replays in your mind as you explain. 

_'(last name), it's no use. we're all so low on supply and eren is dead. eren DIED, doing exactly what you are suggesting!'_

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_your head is pounding. maybe its your heart. you can't tell. all you know is there are titans as far as your tired eyes see, and jean is absolutely losing it at your plan of escape. tearing your eyes from the titans you see armin, still sobbing but no more tears falling. mikasa is somber. scarily somber. sasha leans against a piece of rubble upon the roof you are all on, eyes studying her shoes as if they are about to disappear. connie sat down a while back, hugging his knees as if he were truly ready to die._

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_'jean, i'm going to need you to shut the fuck up.' all eyes turn to you, even armins broken ones. 'i'm not saying to follow me into deaths grip. i'm not saying to sit here and accept death either. i'm saying, you fucking let me do this or i will never forgive myself.'_

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_albeit the titans and mass destruction all around are deafening, your words are clear and every cadet is tuned in. they know you were with armin and eren, they know you got seperated. armin knows you blame yourself even more than he does. and so he brushes his face off, stands up, and turns to ask to go over the plan again._

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_'right, so you're basically fucking bait (last name). and we are all supposed to go to the supply base while you stay behind to die?' its getting exasperating now, how vocal jean is on this being a bad plan. 'i need you to trust me, for ONCE i need you to just trust me. if anyone here can do this it is me and i will not be letting any of you take this fall. clear?' jean doesn't bite back this time. there is a hand on your shoulder from the side. 'hey, (first name), i believe in you, okay? take my belief and faith and go avenge him.' armins voice is still shaking but his hand does not. reaching up you cover his dirt riddled fingers with your own, and give him the realest smile one could muster right now. 'you lot need to go now, if this is going to work. don't waste the cannisters, just lead the titans towards the wall and i'll handle it.' nods and glances are shared, as everyone stands tall. 'you ready, (first name)?' armin speaks once more. 'ready as i'll ever be. **GO!** '_

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_with your final words shouted the twelve cadets spring into a run, uninjured ones holding onto the fallen. this view of them from the back may be the last you ever see them. but you shake that thought as fast as a titans jaw snap and aim your gear for a taller building. with grace and speed you dart towards the target, wall rose. titans are beginning to take notice, and for a second you smile. this was child's play, as you had already taken down maybe six titans by yourself and two with help from mikasa. weaving in and out through rubble and crumbling walls, you alone gain as many of the titans attention as possible._

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_this plan was the best you lot could have asked for, considering everyone shy of you were too low on gas to fly. while everyone else makes a break for it towards the supply tower to refill, single handedly you will distract as many titans as possible so the group may reach the tower unscathed. it feels like hours are passing and that everyone is moving in slow motion as you keep an eye on the group. only maybe two or three minutes have passed. the timing working out was the only part of the plan left to fate, and it seems as you watch your friends disappear from sight that fate is kind today. with possibly over ten titans now hunting you at differing speeds, your left cannister starts to spurt slower. earlier you had slammed into a piece of fallen cobble, which most likely left a hole somewhere in the metal that you cannot see._

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_pushing forward you grapple higher, and turn to watch the world from the sky. in slowed time you faintly see and hear a group of beings break through glass panes. the supply tower! relieved they made it there you almost feel like laughing. that feeling is cut short by an extremely violent force yanking you from the sky. something must have grabbed one of your cables while you celebrated too early. something being a titan._

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_as the wind of the pull nearly knocks your breath out you spin, turning to face the beast. except instead of one of the smaller titans you were leading earlier, you come face to face with what has to be an over 15 meter class titan._

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_now, you actually do laugh. 'fuck.'_

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_there is no one here to help. you have sent all of your known surviving friends to get supplies and return to you. unfortunately the flaw in your plan was that you weren't planning on surviving until they returned. it wasn't that you wished to die a hero, wished to be a martyr. it was that logistically you knew this flaw was going to bare its fangs. you had purposely left your teammates blissfully unaware. this was your choice, your one life to save not just your remaining friends but the thousands within the walls. but oh dear, you weren't going down without an all out fight to the fucking death._

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_the kind of scream you only hear about in horror stories left your lips as you fired your remaining working cable straight for the titans left eye. being at such close advantage in his fist, it penetrated deep and rendered him half blind. now that he were stunned for a few seconds, you swiftly pulled the trigger to wind the cable back in. this force ripped you from his grip, catapulting you towards his face. with just about a foot of distance between you two left, you quickly shot yourself around his shoulder, grapple still in his eye. upon landing on the titan there was not even a moment to breathe before you had to move again. giant hands came swatting up to crush you. with the same quickness as earlier you pulled out a blade and cut yourself from the cable attatching you two. this meant now you had no cables left to use. that was not the point._

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_'die you fat fucking bitch!' words lost in the noise around you, as your arms raised, and then cut with a force like no other. slicing deeper than intended across the titans neck, and successfully eliminating it. as the titan slumped towards the ground you crouched, steadying for the impact of fall. only before the fall even came, you suddenly found yourself in the hand of yet another 'fat fucking bitch' as you called them._

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_this time was different._

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_this time you had no cables._

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_this time you had barely functioning blades left._

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_your only working cannister was almost empty._

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_this time, you did not have a plan._

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_and so you screamed. screamed so loudly that it hurt your own ears, made your throat catch on fire. it was a smaller titan, one of the guys you assumed you had been leading around trost like a fucking tourist. it was stupid to have forgotten for even just a moment that you were not safe here. so why did you forget?_

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_this was not the time to grovel in your mistakes. right now, a titan had you in its death grip and was moving to literally eat you. this was your plan, to be a distraction to the titans. this was your plan, to let them have you so that no one else had to take that burden._

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_but something in you snapped. literally and mentally, as the titan slowly bit down onto you- sideways. teeth met flesh through dirty cotton, and the white hot pain sent your arms up, blades ruthelessly and repeatedly digging into his face. steam began fogging your vision and burning your body as you continued to stab and stab and stab. this lasted maybe only five seconds, but that was enough time for you to realize the titan had let go of you with his hand, and you were only held up by his loosening teeth. stabbing with as much strength as you could a tooth began to carve itself out, the one tooth that was residing in your flesh. 'let!' a stab. 'me!' another stab. 'fucking-' another stab. 'GO!' a final stab at the massacre of his gums. as you screamed, the tooth slipped forward and with it- you fell. falling four to five meters would never sound ideal- especially when you have a giant sharp tooth jammed into your side. you knew as you fell your ribs on the side were crushed, your hip bone was most likely too, and there were a lot of organs torn along with._

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_but in this moment of falling you could hear voices. voices that sounded crystal clear to your ears, yet you didn't know the owners. looking up at the now toothless titan as you descended, there was a flash of green and then a blood spray. right before you were to hit the ground, an arm wrapped around your upper chest, under your arms. you both flew out of the way, the captor having used his gear to catch you in air. and as the titan began to teter forward, the flash of green revealed mikasa, standing atop the now dead beast. 'ah,' you thought as the pain finally hit you. 'they actually came back for me'._

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_'what the actual **fuck** (first name), of course we fucking came back for you??' a strong voice caused you to realize you were speaking your thoughts outloud. you laughed. for the second time in the face of true death today, you laughed. you laughed and coughed until you felt warm liquid choking you. you laughed until the world went dark. _

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"so basically (last name), you gave yourself to the titans. to save your ragtag group of brats. yes?" 

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"....yes, sir. i laid my life on the line to save the people i care about most. and well, everyone else in the walls too." the sigh following was expected, but his hand lingering at your side was not. 

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his next words weren't expected either. but hey, you knew the moment you walked in the forsaken office that today he had flipped on tails. 

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_"may i see it?"_

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it had been roughly three and a half weeks since the battle. you had suffered four crushed ribs, a fracture in your hip bone that causes it to forever jut out jarringly, a bursted apendix from the pressure and a ruptured lung. not to mention the severe burn damage you had taken from the steam. practically every single doctor in the walls had screamed when they saw you. it took four doctors and three nurses to slowly but surely remove the tooth, over the course of two agonizing days. and they had actually left it there for a few days prior to removal, to hold your broken body in place and let it heal a bit before opening the wound fully. (and of course they cleaned the area multiple times a day during it still being in your body, which almost hurt more than when you were actually in the fucking things mouth.) after removal hange actually took the tooth and her whole team of wacks has been working on studying it, getting as much information as they can. it felt like she wanted to thank you for the damned tooth when she first visited. 

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a week ago was when you were finally permitted to walk, or at least try. movement was extremely hard for quite a bit. but you were determined to persevere. if you were damned to be the person who survived being bitten by a titan, you were damned to prove that it didn't affect you in one bit. even when jean broke down at the side of your infirmary bed, sobbing that he shouldn't have let you have your way, you smiled. told him that you lived because you are strong, and that should be all that matters. everyone you could imagine had come to visit at some point, but jeans visit was the one that impacted you the most. your job now was to prove to him that the plan you orchestrated so blindly was worth the pain. 

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shaking your head slightly as you broke of your thoughts, levi furrowed his brow. "it is….pretty unsightly, captain. i am one to share your distaste of mess. it goes from here," you trailed a finger from right at the bottom on your breast, "to here," your fingers stopped a little down past your hip, grazing your thigh. 

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"you're correct, cadet. i would rather slay ten titans in a row nonstop than be riddled with such a mess." he pauses as if to let you mull over his words. "though i digress. i would like to see it for myself, as no one but you has this power." 

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_power_. the captain thinks this disgusting mess of torn flesh and juttting bone is power. perhaps you want to say you also think of it that way, though deep down it frightens every fiber of your being each time you have to see it. this isn't power, captain. this is a powerless moment captured in painful flashes of bright unforgiving cameras.

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yet you move to remove your jacket. the captain takes a step back, clasping his once wandering hands behind himself. though he watches like a hawk, and you would assume he doesn't blink if you had not seen him do it before. betraying hands shake as you unbutton the cotton shirt, sliding now cold arms out one by one. by no means are you naked- there is a skin colored compression top underneath the shirt, something that the infirmary gave you to help keep everything tight. it is by no means comfortable at all, but it gets the job done. being out of breath because of it every now and then is nothing compared to the nauseating idea of the wound reopening, roaring blood and fire at you. 

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the captain reaches a hand out and takes your jacket and shirt, turning to place them on a coffee table. silently you thank him with a deep breath. the compression top does not cover everything, stopping right below your belly button. with your midriff on display there are tangled bundles of white gauze wrapped around your hips, and spiraling down your right thigh- not fully visible of course due to your pants. they act as another compression on their own, being so tight fitted for practical purposes. 

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facing you again now, the captain reaches a hand out again. your head tilts to the side like a lost puppy, unsure what he is asking for now. "your hand, cadet." there is almost a laugh in his voice due to your confusion. giving him your right hand, he leads you to the front of his desk where suprisingly- he lifts you by the under arms and sits you. you have always been just a few inches taller than the man, but now you are on the same level. 

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"may i?" he asks without a glimpse of specification to what he means. and you oblige. 

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_curiousity kills the cat every life she lives._

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his hands immediately come to your sides, resting on your ribs. the hand fallen to the right slowly peels the compression top upward, and you breathe out in relief that for a second the tightness is gone. as he pulls further, his hand seems to still. the other, still on your rib, tightens against you. this is a moment where you would wish to look him in the eye, though you can't catch his. they are too busy profiling the mess of gauze he has found. "years pass and the infirmary never truly gets better, huh," he all but mumbles to himself without giving you a chance to respond. because now, he is off behind you searching inside his desk drawers. with a tsk and close of the drawers, the captain walks back to stand in between your legs. you look down to see he has medical supplies and fresh gauze now, and feel so confused by his actions that you want to cry. this doesn't feel like your captain. 

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this feels like…levi. just, levi. 

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never have you spoken his name to the man himself, knowing your boundaries and that you are just another cadet 'brat' he has to put up with until your death. never has there even slipped by a moment in which you felt you were seeing levi. it was always just the captain, always just the rutheless grey eyes killing titans faster than you can blink. 

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"whoever wrapped you last should be embarassed. maybe it was a wimp and they got nervous around a pretty thing like you but _fuck_ , how are you supposed to avoid infection with a shit job like this." 

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the 'pretty thing' comment was not lost on you, but you do not have a chance to think or speak on it. ~~captain~~ levi is instructing you to lift your arms as he rolls the compression shirt higher. you obey and watch as he gets even closer, reaching his arms around you to slowly unwrap the old gauze. if it were anyone else in your position, they would have passed out long ago from the proximity. but because its you, there is a gentle peace in the air. 

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"you know captain, i could probably do this myself…?" it comes out as a question when he looks up just to give you a glare- but you notice in that split second there is no malice in it. without a word he goes back to unwrapping, and stops once the trail of gauze reaches your hips. a loud rip sound echos the room as he tears the end of the gauze and does not ask you to remove your pants. only now do you realize that your horror movie story wound is on full display. 

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_now_ you feel naked. 

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levi notices your change in posture no matter how slight it was. he's trained to be attuned to every little detail, nothing gets past those senses. 

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"are you uncomfortable, (last name)?" it comes off as more of a command than a genuine question. you shake your head, it feels a little difficult to find the right words. "i've been hiding it for so long now, of course people are bound to see it for the rest of my life." he hums at this and opens a bottle of disinfectant. "even when everyone came to visit me during recovery i stayed covered up...i don't want any of them to regret letting me stay behind just because of some mangled skin." 

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"it isn't that you don't want to hurt them, (last name), you are feeling shame. embarassment, maybe even regret." 

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if you weren't embarassed before, now sure as hell you were. levi had you practically half naked on his desk, touching your bare skin, and making you feel vulnerable with that sharp tongue. 

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"i do not regret what i did in that battle. if i had not-" 

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"your comrades could have died, _i know_." levi looks up from your wound to meet your eyes. "i know all too well the look of regret in a person's eyes, the kind that makes you wish for just a single do-over." 

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heartbeats of silence fall heavy. 

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"do you wish for the grace of a do-over?" "no," you immediately reply, not even caring you dropped all formality. his eyes burn into yours, that flame you noticed when you entered still there. festering, growing, raging against the wind. and then his eyes are back on your side, and you realize he had been cleaning you up whilst talking to you. maybe to take your mind off of the pain? delicately levi has been wiping you down, disinfecting more raw areas and tracing his fingers down the lines. "that was the right answer. because you do not get do-overs in a world like this (first name)." 

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besides the initial shock of levi using your first name you feel calm in his hands. you wanted to ask if it was disgusting, if he was revolted, if he wanted to stop. but he had talked you through it so easily that you forgot you were so severely wounded. if it were the alcohol he had earlier making his entire demeanor gentler, you would vow to make sure he always has a full cabinet. 

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by now as he worked in silence you were cleaned and medicated, ready to be wrapped again. but levi hesitated, eyes never leaving the declaration of power etched into your skin. 

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"captain, if i may, would you do me the pleasure of explaining why _this_ ," you gestered down with a hand, "is power to you?" 

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his hands continued to work at unraveling clean gauze, looping it around you and getting dangerously close again in the process. you could smell the alcohol in his exhale, smell the soft earthy scent of his clothes. "power is not something you can easily grab. power can be given in many forms, yet half of them mean nothing in this world." the wrapping is nearly done, as he now wraps lower and lower. "it isn't tangible. it isn't in the form of a fancy fucking title, power is….surviving. crawling out of hell with broken arms. everyone you love dead in front of you, as you stand tall and unscathed. power is being _eaten by a fucking titan_ and somehow someway escaping to tell the story." you nod as if you understand, though his words are mostly lost on you. there is power in a title, in your mind at least. 

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"though captain, most fear you because of the title you hold. they are so far beneath you that they live in fear of your leather boots coming down on them." 

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in an uncanny moment of time, levi laughs. it's loud, holds so many unknown emotions. 

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"they do not fear me for my title brat. they fear me because i tell death himself to fuck off every time i leave these damned walls. they fear me because i am still alive." 

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levi's hands come to a stop, tying and taping off the end of the gauze. with a few soft presses on your belly he looks to your eyes again. 

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levi smiles. 

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"put your clothes back on before erwin comes knocking and gets the wrong idea." 

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and just like that, it feels like levi is gone. and the captain is back. 

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as you quickly hop off the desk and dress yourself, captain leans back against the desk you were just sat on for so long. watches you, the hawk like gaze returning. straightening out your jacket you give a small smile, bowing your head. "thank you captain, i will remember the words you said." as you tilt your head back upright there is now a hand on your head, patting your hair as if you are a child. 

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"you better not forget, or i'll give you hell for it. oh- (first name," he calls to you again as you are turning to leave. facing him, you see past his figure that it has begun to rain outside. lightening flashes, illuminating him from the back as if he were just a shadow. 

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"levi. its just levi to you." 

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"thank you, levi. for teaching me the true meaning of power today." levi laughs, again. this time the mirage of a smile upon his face is real, and it stays. 

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"yea yea, get out now brat. before i do decide to ridicule your reckless and selfish behavior that even got you that power you now know of." 

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End file.
